How to split up chores fairly with your spouse or roommate : Life Kit : NPR

Apr 24, 2024

By

Andee Tagle

,

Michelle Aslam

A text message about blueberries a few years ago nearly ended Eve Rodsky's marriage. It came from her husband. He was upset she hadn't picked up any blueberries from the grocery store. And she burst into angry tears.

This was supposed to be her afternoon off, recalled Rodsky in her 2019 book, Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live). Instead, she was in her car, running errands. The idea that she now had to pick up blueberries, she said, sent her over the edge.

What Rodsky was experiencing was an unfair division of household labor, which she says made her feel a sense of "seething resentment" toward her husband.

And she's not alone. In many households, one person shoulders the brunt of the chores and childcare – and that's often the woman. In fact, a 2020 Gallup Poll of more than 3,000 American heterosexual couples found that women handle the majority of the domestic workload, including doing the laundry, cleaning and cooking. And for many women, the workload has only worsened in the pandemic.

But it doesn't have to be this way. Rodsky, an attorney and author, says it's possible to divide domestic tasks fairly, which can help reduce stress at home and give back precious time to each member of the household. And it starts with candid conversations about our domestic contributions and a reevaluation of what matters in your home.

She and Jacqueline Misla, a lifestyle coach and co-host of Curious Fox, a love and relationship podcast, share a practical guide on how to divvy up, prioritize and assign chores.

The first thing you want to do, says Rodsky, is list out each and every task required to manage the home. It will help each member of the household understand the full extent of responsibilities – and hopefully encourage them to take measures to balance the workload.

Set aside an hour or two to draw up the list. Do it in a place that's easy for everyone to see and access: a shared notes app, a spreadsheet or a whiteboard, for example. Include essential tasks like washing dishes or taking the kids to school and errands like grocery shopping or picking up the dry cleaning. Don't forget to add tasks that might be less visible, such as coordinating carpools or writing thank you cards. (Rodsky actually developed a resource called Fair Play, a set of 100 cards printed with various household tasks, to help people with this exercise.)

Once you have those tasks in front of you, discuss each item with your partner or your housemate.

From here, stay flexible. Your list of essential chores are bound to change depending on the needs of your household – and that's OK, says Misla. "Give yourself some space to let the rules evolve. Check in with each other and say: Is this still working for us? If not, what do we need to change?"

When it comes to splitting up the housework, says Misla, "nothing is ever equal. How many dishes done equals laundry folded? How many trips with the kid to the dentist equals checkups to the car?"

While you may not be able to divide the chores 50-50, you can try to aim for a workload that feels fair to each member of the household. Here are some helpful tips on how to assign chores:

Lastly – if you're in charge of a household chore, take full ownership of it, says Rodsky. Don't expect your partner or roommate to pick up the slack if you can't complete the task. It's your responsibility to account for what you need. Your partner and household are depending on you.

If it's your turn to cook dinner, for example, account for the time you will need to buy the ingredients, prep and cook. Avoid stealing your partner's time with one-off or last-minute duties they haven't accounted for, like running to the store for a forgotten ingredient or chopping vegetables.

And if it's your partner's turn to cook dinner – let them do it! Resist the urge to micromanage the way they season meat or the time they take to make it. Use your extra time and energy to focus on something else — whether it's another task or just relaxing.

When everyone does their part to keep the household running smoothly, you can free up more time to be "consistently interested in your own life," says Rodsky — which is exactly the goal of a balanced domestic workload.

You can print out a mini-book — or zine — to help you Fold it using these directions (courtesy of The Oregonian). Use it as a tool as you discuss the division of household responsibilities with your household.

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The audio portion of this episode was produced by Michelle Aslam. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at [email protected].